I'm cooking up parlays that will make my b*hole clench the way the Panthers are trying to clinch the NFC South. IT'S WEEK 18 AND I NEED SOME INTENSE SWEATS TO CASH IN ON!

I'm relying on the chaos that comes with the final games of the regular season. Contract incentives, player stat records and teams still fighting the good fight—I BELIEVE.

With all(most?) fantasy leagues over, Scared Money bets are all we have left, baby!

PSA: Some legs are not available on sportsbooks at this time. Keep an eye out and add them closer to kickoff —I know I will!

Week 18 Scared Money Bets

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

DO IT FOR THE BIT, PITTS! (+2000)

Have you been paying attention to Kyle Pitts?? He’s currently on pace to keep up his "1+ TD per year" bit for the fifth year in a row.

If Pitts DOESN’T score in Week 18, he'll have a half-decade long bit cemented in history with 5 TDs in 2025.

• 2021: 65-1,026-1
• 2022: 28-356-2
• 2023: 53-667-3
• 2024: 47-602-4
• 2025: 82-870-5

And that's just f*cking hilarious. So count me in.

BUT … There’s one tiny problem: There are no "Zero TDs for Kyle Pitts in Week 18" betting lines out there. F*cking pussies.

So I've improvised! Pitts isn't going to score if three other Falcons find the end zone instead, right? Oh, and I'm taking the under on Pitts' receiving yards. That should do it!

The Kyle Pitts Bit 4-leg Parlay:

• Kyle Pitts Receiving Yards: Under 48.5
• Tyler Allgeier: ATD
• Drake London: ATD
• Bijan Robinson: ATD

Record Breakin' Sweats (+2247)

I feel so good about these records, that I've even added a lil' boost.

• CMC: 4 receptions—Becomes the first RB to have three 100+ catch seasons in the NFL
• Trevor Lawrence: 1 rushing TD—Becomes fourth QB with at least 25 passing TDs and 10 rushing TDs in a single season
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba: 125 yards—Would achieve top 5 all-time in a single season
• Caleb Williams: 270 passing yards—Becomes first Bears 4K-yard passer

Four players, four records. Can they get the job done?

Let's root for all of these guys to break all of these records all at once. All for one, and one for all! Are you in??

Record breaking 4-leg parlay:

• Trevor Lawrence ATD
• Caleb Williams Passing Yards 270+
• Christian McCaffrey Receptions 4+
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba Receiving Yards 120+

The Race to 1K (+TBD)

Several players are chasing a 1,000-yard season this weekend.

• Stefon Diggs: 970 rec yds (30 to 1K)
• Chase Brown: 947 yds (53 to 1K)
• Justin Jefferson: 947 rec yds (53 to 1K)
• Kenneth Walker III: 930 ru yds (70 to 1K)
• Tetairoa McMillan: 929 rec yds (71 to 1K)

It's way too easy to pick one and bet on it. So I'm throwing them all together. I don't care about the matchups. I don't care about the odds. I'm betting on their 1K seasons to make me 1 grand, baby. Scared money don't make money!!

5-leg parlay:

• **Stefon Diggs: 30+ Receiving Yards
• **Chase Brown: 50+ Rushing Yards
• **Justin Jefferson: 50+ Receiving Yards
• Kenneth Walker III: 70+ Rushing Yards
• Tetairoa McMillan: 70+ Receiving Yards

**Not yet available on sportsbooks. Add closer to kickoff.

Incentivized (+TBD)

If you could snag an extra $250k-$500k with just a couple receptions or a singular rushing TD in a single game, you’d try a little harder, too. Wouldn’t you? Here's a few incentives lingering around the league with one game to go:

• Tony Pollard: 66 rushing yards for 250K
• Sam Darnold: 150 passing yards for 500K
• Rico Dowdle: 1 TD for 250K
• Hunter Henry: 5 rec for 250K
• Kareem Hunt: 31 scrimmage yards for 25K
• Sterling Shepard: 1 reception for 125K
• Stefon Diggs: 30 yards for 500K
• Dawson Knox: 7 receiving yards for 100K
• Van Jefferson: 1 catch for 100K
• Keenan Allen: 6 receptions for 750K

If players can get paid extra dough this weekend, what’s the harm in us trying to do the same right along with them? I’ve cooked up a little parlay with their contract incentives on the line.

Don’t be scared now—They're incentivized to lock it in for us, remember??

10-leg parlay:

• Tony Pollard Rushing Yards 60+
• Sam Darnold Passing Yards 170+
• Rico Dowdle ATD
• **Hunter Henry Receptions 5+
• **Kareem Hunt Rushing & Receiving Yards 30+
• **Sterling Shepard Receptions 1+ (if active)
• **Stefon Diggs Receiving Yards 30+
• **Dawson Knox Receiving Yards 5+
• **Van Jefferson Receptions 1+
• **Keenan Allen Receptions 6+

**Not yet available on sportsbooks. Add closer to kickoff.

Double Trouble Bonus (+TBD)

One final longshot relies on three players scoring 2 TDs each. They've each got $250k incentives on the line (or more, depending on the type of TD scored).

One TD won't be enough. And that's fine.

I've never been scared.

3-leg double-TD parlay:

• **Keenan Allen 2+ ATD
• **Deebo Samuel 2+ ATD
• Tony Pollard 2+ ATD

**Not yet available on sportsbooks. Add closer to kickoff.

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