Scared Money: Wild Card Weekend

It's Wild Card Weekend and we're cutting the brake lines on this well oiled machine! After several wins this season and our 5-leg parlay cashing in Week 18 - There's no stopping us now.

I'm ready to chase some bigger sweats. Think of all the milk steaks we can buy!

Don't get scared now, you jabroni. It's Scared Money: Wild Card Weekend!

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

WILD CARD! (+3800)

I know the Steelers have gone 0-6 in all of their playoff games since 2017. And I know the Texans have allowed the fewest points to opposing teams this season.

BUT DK METCALF IS BACK, BABY!

This is the DK Metcalf who caught 10 balls for 136 yards and 2 TDs in his last playoff performance. This is the DK Metcalf who has 5 receiving TDs in his 4 career playoff games.

But more than that, we've already nailed our "First TD Scorer and 2+ TDs" parlays when Darren Waller and Rashee Rice returned to action in 2025. So I'm going for it once again in DK's first game back from suspension.

• DK Metcalf First TD Scorer +1000
• DK Metcalf 2+ TDs +1900

Sweet Ds (+18012)

Defenses win championships. Plain and simple.

And it just so happens that the Top-3 NFL takeaway leaders are all playing this week:

• CHI Bears (23 INT / 10 FUM)
• JAX Jaguars (22 INT / 9 FUM)
• HOU Texans (19 INT / 10 FUM)

So we're just going betting on all three teams to take the ball away and score with it. Easy enough, right?

• CHI Bears D/ST ATD
• JAX Jaguars D/ST ATD
• HOU Texans D/ST ATD

Who Will Poop The Bed? (+704)

With so much on the line, any team could poop the bed (read: choke) this weekend.

Here are a few prominent choke-worthy narratives making waves across the internet this week:

• The Patriots have had a "soft schedule"
• The Steelers lost the last 6 of their playoff appearances
• Josh Allen is 0-4 on the road in the playoffs
• The Bills haven't won a playoff game on the road in over 30 years

So what will it be? Will NE crack? Will the Bills head home with another loss? Will PIT continue their losing streak?

Who's going to sh*t their metaphorical playoff bed?

Well… What if they all do?

• LA Chargers Moneyline
• JAX Jaguars Moneyline
• HOU Texans Moneyline

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System (+12703)

I don't care if it was due to coaching, injuries, matchups, or anything in between. There are some players who were obviously using the D.E.N.N.I.S. system against us this year.

Dalton Kincaid has demonstrated his value, scoring in five of his eight games. Keenan Allen has neglected us emotionally since Week 7 - his last TD of the regular season. Romeo Doubs inspired hope when he scored 3 TDs in Week 4. And DeVonta Smith separated entirely, never breaking into the top-15 again after his Bye week.

You get the idea…

But I can't let go of 'em. And I'm definitely not too scared to bet on them one last time!

• Dalton Kincaid ATD
• DeVonta Smith ATD
• Keenan Allen ATD
• Romeo Doubs ATD

Kitten Mittens (+2246)

Is your cat fan making too much noise all the time? Maybe the Rams and Bills can quiet them down.

With last season's NFL MVP (Josh Allen) and this year's potential MVP (Matthew Stafford) slinging the balls, we should have a fun game on our hands. Panthers and Jaguars fans might want to look away…

• BUF Bills Moneyline
• Josh Allen 2+ Passing TDs
• Khalil Shakir ATD
• Josh Allen 20+ Rushing Yards
• LA Rams Moneyline
• Matthew Stafford 2+ Passing TDs
• Davante Adams ATD
• Kyren Williams 60+ Rushing + Receiving Yards

Cultivating Mass (+819963)

Here's our largest bet of the week.

It's got the most legs and the craziest odds. We're betting on every team's RB to score in each game.

Don't get scared now!!

• Josh Jacobs ATD
• D'Andre Swift ATD
• Kyren Williams ATD
• Rico Dowdle ATD
• Saquon Barkley ATD
• Christian McCaffrey ATD
• TreVeyon Henderson ATD
• Omarion Hampton ATD
• James Cook ATD
• Travis Etienne Jr. ATD
• Woody Marks ATD
• Kenneth Gainwell ATD

What Do Now? (+6264)

WHAT IF ALL THE STREAKS END THIS WEEKEND?

• Aaron Rodgers has thrown 232 passes without an INT
• BUF hasn’t won a playoff game on the road since 1992
• Of the remaining teams, CHI has gone the longest without any playoff wins (2011)
• Justin Herbert has never won a WC matchup
• Jalen Hurts is 5-0 at home in the playoffs

I don't know about you, but I'm not scared of everything changing all at once.

Streak-ending parlay:

• Aaron Rodgers Interceptions Thrown OVER 0.5
• BUF Bills Moneyline
• CHI Bears Moneyline
• LA Chargers Moneyline
• SF 49ers Moneyline

Bird Law (+800)

It would be pretty stupid to just… Root for the birds because they're the birds, right?

But you can trust me on this one.

• PHI Eagles Moneyline
• Saquon Barkley ATD
• Jalen Hurts 3+ Passing Touchdowns
• Total Over 44.5